How was your day? You look absolutely gorgeous today, BTW. Mine? It was pretty good. Thanks for asking! Your sweet. Okay, Soo.. I have something that I want to talk to you about. We have to have an actual SERIOUS conversation. Alright, here I go…I just want to apologize to you, personally. I want to say that I am truly sorry. “Sorry for what”, you ask? Okay, I’ll explain.
I am sorry for hiding my brokenness. I am sorry for holding back what it is that I go through and ONLY showing what I think would be “PLEASING” for you to see. I am sorry for taking it upon myself to be selective on what a “Christian Walk” should be viewed as. I am sorry for creating an image that doesn’t really exist. I know this all may be overwhelming so I’ll explain further.
Alright, well a couple of weeks ago and I was going through probably one of the DARKEST seasons of my life. I was so down and so depressed I couldn’t even try to crack a smile. Everything around me just irritated me and I was on edge for the simplest reasons. I couldn’t read the Word. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t entertain ANYTHING that had to do with God. And what hurt the most was that I NEEDED Him but I couldn’t say it. I would try to form words with my lips to speak to my Heavenly Father, BUT those words couldn’t even amount to the cries of my soul. I was just so broken. I was even upset that the Lord woke me up to see another day that I knew spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, I couldn’t enjoy. It was DARK, very DARK, for me. I would watch tv, listen to music, and even spend majority of my time on Social Media to SUPPRESS how I was feeling. I didn’t want to feel at all sis. It hurt too much. I just wanted it to go away! But ofcourse, that didn’t work. If I could be honest, it only made it worse.
“Lord, what is going on?”, I cried. And Holy Spirit, replied.
“It’s an attack, you must fight back”. My mind couldn’t even process it. I’m used to thinking, “Ohhh it’s just little old me, I deal with this a lot. Its normal.”. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that someone, the enemy, was afflicting this upon me. And, Not to mention Holy Spirit saying, “YOU have to fight!”…Um, ME?! Sis, I wasn’t used to fighting! I was used to running away from EVERYTHING… LITERALLY. But apparently, today, ALL of that was going to change.
Okay, Whoa… Let’s the process this for a minute!
Sis, I didn’t think I stood a chance. The enemy was attacking me left and right. In several ways, He had the upper hand, and I’ll tell you why….I GAVE it to him WILLINGLY and here’s how: ONE, He made me feel ashamed for being broken. SO ashamed that I WOULDN’T open my mouth to ask for help. TWO, He made me feel condemned. Condemned in a sense that God wouldn’t and couldn’t help me because my “WORKS” weren’t sufficient enough. Since I didn’t have the drive to pray or read the word. (You’ll catch that in a minute). THREE, feeling condemned and ashamed IMMEDIATELY stripped me of confidence in my IDENTITY. And, on top of that I didn’t have the TRUTH (The Word) truly grounded in me like I thought I did. In those 2 hits, I completely FORGOT who I was. I WAS POWERLESS. But girly, God is so good! He didn’t reveal those tactics to me, for me to sit back and just sulk in defeat. He gave them to me so that I could FIGHT. STRATEGICALLY. And, I did exactly that!
Where the enemy inflicted me with pride so that I would shy away from asking for help, I did the complete OPPOSITE. I humbled myself and asked around for advice from spiritual people that I trusted (Proverbs 12:15). I expressed ALL that I was going through not knowing that they had been in that season once before too and that Godly wisdom would follow my act of humility. Here are somethings they shared with me:
- That this attack is ONLY for a season. And, that as one that follows after Christ, it is common to be afflicted in this way. BUT to press on and fight through it even when my mind and emotions want to take over because God will come to the rescue EVERY time (Psalm 34:19).
- God wont DISOWN me because of my faults but loves me in SPITE OF (Psalm 136:2-3) .
- That there is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1).
- My WORKS does not guarantee my salvation only my FAITH does (Titus 3:5).
Man o’ man , isn’t God good?
Sis, Let me tell YOU! I was speechless. From my simple act of obedience in ASKING for WISDOM(advice/help), the lies of the enemy were trampled by TRUTH of my Heavenly Father! Every single one! They were truths that I “thought” I knew but only knew of and wasn’t really intimate with. I wasn’t well acquainted with the promises that My Father left for me. I was separated from them and therefore separated from the true and unconditional Love of my Father in Heaven; Separated from POWER. And, that’s not the will God has for US.
Sis, We can no longer allow the enemy to conquer us when we have been given the weapons; The Word, Each other, and OUR testimonies. And, that’s why I wanted to apologize to you! Apologize for setting you up for an attack, from the lack of sharing my brokenness. Simply, because of my pride and fear of being judged. Not knowing that there are things that you could learn from my valley experience. Who knew that our very OWN testimonies could be a key to someones BREAKTHROUGH. We hide so much of what we are going through that we deprive our fellow sister of VICTORY. Yes, our trials are hard to accept or express sometimes, BUT there is power is SHARING them. Because someone is looking to see you rise from the valley to the mountain top, so that they can see that IT IS possible. Our lives are NOT about US. And, in the world we live in, it’s often advertised that way. We are to be here for one another and do life TOGETHER. And the lesson we learn, we can share with others to avoid the same pitfalls the enemy creates.
So, My Sweet Sister… I want to leave you with a couple things, if I may… Because I care for you. NEVER be afraid to ask for help, please. What you are going through isn’t something that you have to be ashamed of, so share it. EMBRACE IT. You never know who may be going through something similar and are looking to you for your strength. You never know who may need to see your act of vulnerability in sharing your story that may set them free from a tormenting situation (enabling them to also share). No one can see the Goodness of God if we never show the mess that He has brought us from.Lastly, Chica, KNOW the WORD, STUDY IT, and MEDITATE ON IT! Know the promises that Christ Jesus died on the cross for us to obtain because that’s where the root of the enemy’s attacks stem from. We can NOT lack in knowledge or we WILL perish (Hosea 4:6).
So again sis, I am so sorry and I pray that you forgive me. I love you so much and I vow to NEVER let selfishness and pride overtake me again. I wont let the enemy silence me from YOUR potential victory. From now on I will embrace my brokenness and I will no longer hide it from you. I pray you wont hide it from me either. Let’s make that vow together, aye? TODAY! NO MORE HIDING! Sisters share EVERYTHING! And, I pray my sharing today has been encouraging and inspiring to you in some way! Let’s keep this up, k? 🙂
Well, Till’ Next Time Beautie!